My Struggle With My Body

This is a hard post for me to write.  But going along with gratitude for bodies, I need to go back to a dark place.  There was a time that I hated my body.  I was always trying to hide.  I never wanted pictures taken of me.  I ate all the time so I felt numb.  I did what I needed to do, but inside I wanted to not exist.  I tell you this because there came a point where I wasn't even getting out of bed.  I had seen therapists but nothing seemed to help.  But I noticed my children and they were also struggling because of me.  I knew I had to do something.  So I prayed to God, that if he created me he would know how to help me and I really needed help.  In that quiet place I heard a voice that he loved me and that he would help me.  

Every morning instead of getting up at the last second I got up a little bit earlier.  I read my scriptures and said my prayers and asked what I should do.  I had a blank journal and started to write everything what came to me head.  It was always simple things to do like: go for a walk or eat a healthy breakfast or drink lots of water.  Each day I felt something new I need to focous on.  But after getting on the scale and seeing tha number that was higher than when I was in my last trimester of pregancy I was completely mordified.  I prayed for someone to help me.  I found myself at a place called Medi.  It was a medical practice where a nurse practicioner and a therapist helped me overcome my need to medicate with food.  I made close friends with those girls.  Every week I would see the number go down.  I continued to walk every day by myself.  I knew that I had to do it alone because if I waited for someone else to go and they canceled I wouldn't do it and I owed this to myself.  I started listening to books while I walked.  I think one of the most powerful books I listened to was Brene Brown, "The Power of Vunerability".  I knew that it was a gift from God.  It made me realize the things I was doing to myself.  It made me realize how much shame I had for myself.  I understood why I overate and hid myself from the rest of the world.  The more I walked I would come home feeling energized and ready to take on the day.  For some reason walking was like a form of meditation.  I would think about the troubles I was having and I somehow I felt better when I came back.  It cleared my head and my soul.  I became addicted to walking.  It was the one thing that cleared the depression every day.  

I lost 60 lbs overall.  I have gained some back and I still go up and down.  I really would like to loose a total of 20 more pounds, but I have excepted myself.  I know that I also don't want to become obsessed with it so that is all I focus on all day and every day.  I want to focus on more important things and I know that there needs to be balance in all things.  If I became obsessed with it, I know I would have a killer body but not a personality to match.  I want to have both.  I want to still enjoy certain foods and treats and be with family friends and not deprive myself either.  So it is a constant battle I still face everyday.  I know that eventually I will get that balance.  I will probably work on it for the rest of my life!  

Last March I had surgery.  I had rectus diastasis really bad.  After talking with my doctor I realized that there was a hernia and my stomach muscles would never grow back and needed to be sewed back together.  I also had so much skin from having 5 babies and all the weight loss.  My husband was so supportive and I did it!  It was a very hard surgery.  I have a scare all the way down the middle of my abdomen and all the way around my entire body.  But I don't care.  Everytime I look at it I get emotional.  I realize all the weight I carried and problems I wanted to hide are gone!  It is like my battle wound that I wear proudly.  I will always have it as a reminder that I did something I thought I would never be able to do.  It also helps when I gain some back that I will lose it and move on.  

I love my body!  I really do.  I wish I had pictures of me at the worst but I destroyed all of them.  I was so humilated to ever see what I was.  But now even though I'm not perfect, I'm braver about having my picture taken.  I hope that by sharing this it helps someone out there that is also struggling.  I know that God loves all of his children and we can go to him no matter what.  He will always be there for us to help us and send angels into our lives to help us accomplish the impossible.  I'm so gratiful for him and those people he sent to me to help me overcome this.  


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